Hinge's Guide to Reflecting on Who You're Looking For

Dating takes real time and emotional energy, which leads many daters to come up with strategies like checklists to help them decide what’s worth focusing on. But society often pushes daters to prioritize outward traits that are easy to see on paper, overlooking the inner qualities that shape what it's actually like to be with someone. 

The reality is: compatibility is complex, deeply personal, and entirely unique to you. Hinge’s Lead Relationship Scientist, Logan Ury (she/her), is sharing two new frameworks – category vs. character, and differences vs. dealbreakers – to help daters navigate feelings of ambiguity and reflect on what truly matters to them as they build new connections. 

What misconceptions about romantic compatibility do you hear from daters today?  

Logan: One of the biggest issues that holds daters back from finding love is being too attached to their checklist. Daters often come to me with a long list of qualities they’re looking for in their “ideal partner.” Must be this tall, this successful, this educated, etc. 

Compatibility is not about finding the person who checks all the boxes on paper. Compatibility only shows up once you're actually together, in-person, on a date. 

That’s the time to ask yourself, What side of me does this person bring out? Who am I in their company?  Think of it like forming a band. You’re not two soloists playing in different corners of the same room. How does the music sound when you play together?

To help daters go beyond the checklist, I developed a new framework – category vs. character – that brings the focus to what’s inside, beyond what you can see on paper. 

What’s a ‘category’ trait vs. a ‘character’ trait, and what role can each play in understanding your compatibility with someone? 

Logan: This framework looks at the different ways you might think about the traits you’re looking for in a partner. 

• Category: Does this person have a specific background, income level, job, or image? 
• Character: These are someone’s personality traits and values that ask you to look inward. Think: Is this person honest, reliable, supportive, and caring? 

When daters tell me the specific characteristics they’re looking for, those things tend to fall into the category bucket. That’s because category traits are much easier to see at a glance, and these are the ones that society tells us to care about in the conversations we see on social media and in pop culture. 

Meanwhile, when we look at the research for what really matters in long-term relationships, character play a bigger role. These traits reveal themselves over time, as the two of you get to know each other on a deeper level. Are they curious about the things you care about? Are they kind? Do they show up for you in the ways that matter? 

Category traits aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, they can be a clue into the character traits you admire. Maybe you’ve found you click with people in specific professions because those people tend to be inherently curious or adventurous, or you admire the passion and work ethic that job requires. 

What daters can try: As you reflect on what you’re looking for in a partner, it’s okay to think about both category and character traits. But understand that category traits don’t show the full picture of who someone is or what it’s like to be in a relationship with them. So instead of thinking about how you’d want your person to look, think about how you’d want your relationship to feel when you’re together. What type of conversations do you want to have? Where do you feel it's important to agree? What personality traits light you up or balance you out? Use these as thought starters to think deeper about the character traits you’re looking for. 

There has been recent cultural conversation around relationship gaps – when two people have different values or traits. How can you tell whether something is a difference or a dealbreaker? 

Logan: When I talk to people in new relationships, they often bring up differences. “He’s a morning person, and I don’t want anyone to talk to me before 10am.” Or “I love eating in restaurants and she is not a foodie.” 

A lot of those differences are trivial. Of course you might prefer if your partner shared those traits with you, but they won’t fundamentally impact your relationship. Most of these differences you can learn to live with and work through together with curiosity and open communication. 

Then there’s another set of differences, when your values or life-goals do not align. For example, one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t. Let’s call these dealbreakers. Think of them as fixed, fundamental incompatibilities that doom a potential long-term relationship. 

There’s nuance here. The same trait can sit in either column depending on how deep it runs. A couple where one person is a vegan and the other is a barbecue lover sounds like a difference. But if one person’s veganism shapes their entire lifestyle, and it’s important to them that their partner shares those values, it stops being a difference and becomes a dealbreaker. 

What daters can try: The next time you’re seeing someone and you’re trying to figure out if it’s a trivial difference or a dealbreaker, ask yourself these two things. 

• First, do you feel you have enough overlap to enjoy being together? It’s okay if one of you is into socializing and the other one is less enthused about a dinner party, but you should see how you two might share other pieces of your lives to build a relationship together. 
• Second, are you respectful of each other's differences? If you love restaurants and they’re not a foodie, but they’re willing to indulge you enough that you feel valued, that’s a green flag. But if someone judges you, or tries to hold you back from doing something you love, it’s time to reconsider. 

The Big Takeaway

Logan: From over a decade of working with daters, I can tell you that many of us think we know exactly what we want in a partner, but we’re often surprised by who we ultimately end up with and who makes us happiest long-term. 

Two things tend to get in the way: we focus more on the category traits than the character ones, or we break up with someone over a small difference, because we mistake it for a dealbreaker. 

My final piece of advice? Throw away the checklist. Instead, I want you to be curious and open about dating different kinds of people. Many of the best partnerships I know (including my own!) began when one person stopped fixating on one specific type of person, and instead focused on the type of relationship they wanted. Compatibility isn’t about who the person is on paper, it’s the magic you make together.